The Evening News On Network TV

INTENDED SOLELY FOR THE OLD AND DISINTEGRATING

Our lead story tonight, tornadoes, hailstorms, locust and Donald Trump threaten the middle of the country. When we come back, why Oprah Winfrey will not be doing a prime time interview with Harry and Meghan this week 

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The news returns-

In other news, the Republican party still hates the Democrats, the Yankees and Dodgers are each scheduled to go over one billion dollars in payroll next year while keeping the top price seat under $10,000 and the debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump has been moved to 5 PM to try to assure that both remain awake for the full 90 minutes (with one bathroom break). When we come back, the dictionary you never want to consult.

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Are you a member of AARP, ABCDE or any other combination of vowels and consonants in all caps? Do you have trouble remembering what you ate for breakfast or where you put your hearing aid, your teeth and your cane? Suffer from night sweats, urination every twelve to fifteen minutes, or a sudden desire to tell your neighbor to move to Iowa, Idaho or any other place that starts with an I? Try What the Hell Is This- side effects include an insatiable desire to play Chubby Checker records, whistling, a willingness to do either three push ups or one pull up, and a longing to watch reruns of Gilligan's Island. Consult with your physician before using this product or taking guitar lessons.

The news returns- 

The Dow dropped 2 percent today, Mr. Trump blaming President Biden for his complete incompetence. Yesterday the Dow rose 2 percent for which Mr. Trump took full credit, given the public’s acknowledgment of his inevitable resurrection in November.

The Supreme Court is scheduled to render rulings on three matters before the end of this month. Advance copies of all these decisions have been widely circulated. The leaks are blamed on Martha-Ann Alito, Ginny Thomas or Fox News, who were all invited to participate in the deliberations.  

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Feeling anxious, overwhelmed? Is the thought of spending the winter in Florida living next door to that yappy dog giving you agita? Is the weekly call from one of your four grandchildren not enough to keep you peppy? Try Wantogo, a twice a day miracle. Not to be taken within six hours of having a morsel of food or a sip of water. Must not be standing, sitting, lying down or showering when ingesting. Stop immediately if you start quoting King Lear or Princess Bride. Consult with your doctor, priest or Rabbi before traveling in an electric vehicle.

In our final story, a cat, stuck in a tree for eleven days, was rescued by a dog who put his furry friend on his back, crossed a river, forded a stream and climbed Everest before reaching safety. So our person of the day is not even a person but Timmy, the Rottweiler. An extra treat is coming to you this evening Timmy.

To all, stay safe, stay happy and stay tuned for 40 years of reruns of This Is All There Is..