The Biggest Loser

Donald, remember when you took over the ship and you said you would win so much people would get tired of winning? Guess what?

It turns out your guys got tired of losing.

It was the mystique of winning that made you attractive. Your big buildings. Your golf courses. Even when you lost, like in Atlantic City, you made it sound like you won. Your guys were all willing to be your Apprentice. To watch as you taught them how to come out on top. The art of the deal. The art of the steal. Who gave a damn how you did it. You just did.

You thought they loved you cause you gave the middle finger to everything and everyone they hated. And the truth is they did. But, oops, love came with an asterisk. Don't, they said, turn us into losers.

And in 2016 when you didn't get more votes than Hillary, you still got enough in the right places to win even when losing. 2018, not so good, but what the heck, party in power and midterms is like oil and water. Forgive and forget.

2020, well you told them you won fair and square and lost because the voting machines were inhabited by midget Democrats. And if your guys had only managed to get their hands on Nancy or that traitor Pence, well the world would look a whole lot different today. Just saying.

But this time around, you royally screwed the pooch. I mean you snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Your team was doing a victory lap around the Capitol until it turned out that you had personally placed a stink bomb in the middle of the celebration. Instead of turning straw into gold you turned gold into cryptocurrency.

And that, my friend, was a bridge too far. Those who have been attached to your backside for years now are abandoning you faster than the passengers trying to leave the Titanic.

It turns out it wasn't your charm, your brilliant intellect, your compassion, your morality, your strict adherence to truth and the rule of law that made you fascinating and appealing to so many. It was that you promised them they would win.

And then they didn't. Because you stunk up the joint.

And so now, as you with such obvious relish have told so many along the way, today it is your turn to be the recipient of that wondrous phrase:

You're fired. 

By the way, if you can't find work anywhere else, I think Elon Musk is hiring at your old favorite stomping grounds. I am told he is a very stable genius.